Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 

Or, three little words, depending on your sense of grammar technicalities. Or two words and one number. Or two words and a pair of hyphenated words. Or just a bunch of random letters of the English alphabet strewn together in an attempt to summarize Friday. But in any case, this perfectly and adequately describes my mood at the end of of yesterday:

Sixty-four friggin' boxes....



posted by Phillip at 5:49 AM

 


Today: .did you know that a canister of compressed shaving gel has a spray radius of at least 5 feet? That means if you're standing in front of the sink and completely miss spraying the gel into your hand, said gel will manage to make it all the way into the bathtub!

Simply, scientifically amazing!

(Hey, don't worry, I cleaned it up.)
posted by Phillip at 5:45 AM

 


It’s Tuesday night, and I am sunburned. So very, very sunburned. But fortunately, I am not operating at the same wavelength as a catatonic squirrel--unlike yesterday.

It all began Saturday night, when Mel, Shady & I saddled off to visit Carly. At her invite, the plan was to attend the newly reinstated (and hopefully soon to be permanent) Renfair. From the sounds of it, about a month ago, some people rallied together and saved the Ontario Renaissance Festival--which used to be in the Milton area, and as of last year, closed down. For this summer, the Renfair has been relocated to Hamilton’s Royal Botanical Gardens. Mel talked to one of the vendors there, and from the sounds of it, negotiations are underway for (ideally) a 25-year contract.

I remain very optimistic about this turn of events.

But we get ahead of ourselves. Back to Saturday night! (Insert Bay City Rollers joke here at your leisure.) Saturday night was spent in the company of my sister and her husband, Jorrit. His family’s house (read: big-assed house with a kitchen I’m insanely jealous of), located just outside of Brantford, happened to be empty all long weekend.

That night, I discovered that baked salmon tastes really good with a pesto sauce and pistachio nut mix; Shady and Sinatra ran around the open grounds, got into some mud and probably marked a lot of trees; and Mel was not entirely surprised to learn that I slept through Jorrit entering the house with his boombox blasting at full volume, and didn’t even notice.

(Alas, the outdoor Jacuzzi was not operational. Le sigh!)

Which brings us to Sunday morning. Carly, Mel & I spent it quietly and peacefully waking up amidst hot chocolate and sunshine on the outdoor patio. Jorrit spent it recovering from a particularly nasty hangover. As a result, just the three of us headed off to the Reinfair, which is probably just as well, since Jorrit was able to look after the Shih- tzu’s.

And so we reach the Renfair. Given how all of this was set up last-minute, and they didn’t have any permanent grounds to set up buildings, I can understand how this summer it was a shadow of its former self. But again, I’m more than happy to allow the rebuilding time if we’re able to get a permanent Renfair again.

The day was perfect for a Renaissance festival! There were few clouds in the air and the sun was shining…all over me. Hence the sunburn. Although it’s the weirdest sunburn I’ve ever had. My forehead is burned (natch), though it noticeably fades as it follows my cheekline. And I’m burned on either side of my neck, but not down the middle where my windpipe is. Is my chin really that pronounced?

And half of the backs of my hands are noticeably tanned as well. Only half, you say? Yes indeed, right below the knuckle line is a visible curve where pale skin meets tanned skin. Which brings us to Today’s Lesson: leaving your hands half-stuck in your pant pockets out in the hot sun all day long brings with it strange consequences. Very strange indeed…

But back to the Renfair! Despite being only at half-strength, it was still a great afternoon. All three of us thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. A lot of the players/actors from before were still walking around in full character and regalia.

Majestic birds of prey dive-bombed children in rousing flight demonstrations. Jerky was bought no less than five minutes after entering the fairgrounds. (Alas, no salmon jerky this year for me to try. But the teriyaki beef was just as delicious as always!) Mud shows re-enacted the story of Little Red Robin Hood…it was so much like a Chaosfic, I almost cried tears of joygasmic bliss.

And for part of the afternoon, we visited the Botanical Gardens too. Hey, why not? It was included with the price of admission to the Renfair. (Insert not so subtle hint for those living nearby to attend the Renfair this summer themselves and show their support.)

The transport of choice was a double-decker bus, driven no less by two English gents. (The accent gave them away.) And dammit, both times we rode the bus, we were beaten to the front seats on the top level. For the trip to the gardens, we weren’t close enough to the door, and a family beat us to them. On the return trip our remarks about wanting the front seat were apparently overheard by a Chinese family with two kids, and they made a point of standing in front of the main doors. Carly and Mel wanted to throw me into the stroller, thusly creating a diversion so they could snag the front seats; regrettably, right as we were about to put this brilliant and cunning plan into action, the drivers arrived, and once again a family beat us to the good seats.

The gardens themselves were absolutely beautiful, both the indoor and outdoor gardens. Although I’m despondent about not being able to see any of the lizards they said were running around one of the greenhouses. Give me my lizards!

Soon enough, it was time to return to the Renfair, where more interesting things happened. Hedge mazes that were on the garden map (but apparently not actually there) were sought after in vain. Large turkey legs were purchased and gorged on. Jousting was witnessed, as well as a lot of wincing as the 10-foot solid pinewood lances shattered with sickeningly painful noises against the armour of the knights. And naturally, a lot of water was consumed over the course of the day. I attempted to dance along with a group of Celtic performers who caroused through the fair…and was subject to a threat of death or two from Mel, who evidently does not think my Gimpy Dance (patent pending) is sexy. More leather roses were bought to add to our collection.

At the end of the day, meads and ales were sampled. Pub songs were sung in loud voices and little harmony. And then Carly got a call on her cell phone. Her friends, whom she had invited that night to dinner and totally forgot about, were just letting her know that they were on their way to Jorrit’s family’s house.

Oops.

Well, my favourite song had already been sung --“Bartender, Please Fill My Cup”, where the choruses end, “For tonight we’ll merry merry be…tomorrow we’ll be sober. Or “hung over”, which is most apropos in Jorrit’s case. So I didn’t mind dipping out early from the pub-sing. Besides, at the grocery store we stopped by for meal ingredients, I found $45 sitting in the parking lot. Poor bills…sitting there all forlorn and abandoned. I just couldn’t walk by them without the humanitarian in me crying out to take them in and find them a good home.

My, I’ve never heard so many coughs that sound so much like the word, “Bullshit.”

But yes, money was found, with half of it going to Carly for meal expenses. Dinner itself, for as hastily assembled as it was, looked really classy and was quite delicious. All in all, a great end to a really fantastic day.

But like all good things, this one came to an end Monday morning. Stupid Conestoga Mall, being open on a civic holiday…

It’s just as well the entire day was incredibly quiet, and the mall itself was filled with very few people. Still recovering from Sunday, and now contending with a none too pleasant sunburn, I spent all of Monday shuffling around like a zombie. I even wound up crashing at 9:30 in the evening, leaving Mel to watch the Nadia anime on her own.

(As a sidenote: Nadia is an over-opinionated tit, and episode 26 is a waste of twenty-two minutes of animation. Oh, and Gary: you’re missing discs 3&10 of the series.)

Yet today is another day, and after lots of applications of skin cream that has left me smelling like raspberries or kiwi (the dream of every man, I’m sure), I’m happy to say that my sunburn has been downgraded from “Pain! Lots of pain!” to “mild nuisance.”

On the other hand, if any of you happen to be around the Middlesex Community College in Connecticut, could you please go to their Financial Aid office and on behalf of Mel…give them a swift kick in the ass? I mean, their heads are obviously shoved so far up it already, one good kick might send their heads all the way back up to where it should be resting.

It’s taken homemade pizza, a really long backrub, and a rental of the last disc of Chrono Crusade (which, for a cute comedic series ends on one hell of a downer) to pull her out of homicidal rantings.

Mel would like to add here, “I am not homicid…well, yes I am. But that’s beside the point!”

So there you have it: one entire long weekend crammed into three pages. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go let Shady chase after night rabbits and sniff every tree she comes across.
posted by Phillip at 7:52 AM